The Deadliest Sins of All
by Umi Mikazuki
Summary: What will our Mary Sue do when she faces a new threat? Rated M for language


The Deadliest Sins of All

By: TrinaSheepChan (she's too lazy to repost it, so I'm doing it for her)

Beta Reader: Umi Mikazuki

Disclaimer: I don't even think I need to say this, but I don't own FMA . . . and I'm not even going to claim the original characters in here.

This is my first attempt of any sort to do an actual fanfic. Also read this light-heartedly. Please read the end note before commenting. Warning there is some cursing.

It was a beautiful day in Central as the birds were singing, the sun was shining, and just everything was going Melody's way. That's right, Melody's way. Melody was your average not-so-average person. She was average height with brown hair and streaks that would change color depending on the light. In the sunlight they could be golden streaks like rivers of sunshine going through a brown forest, or at night they could be like wisps of silver clouds that waltzed as she moved. Her eyes were that perfect shade of bluegreengold. She walked, no, it's more like she gracefully danced through the streets. No one would have guessed that she was really an (dun dun dduuunnn) alchemist, an alchemist by the name of the Perfect Alchemist.

And you may ask yourself "The _Perfect_ Alchemist?" Well, duh! That's because she _was_ a perfect alchemist. There wasn't any thing she couldn't do, and of course this naturally applied to outside the world of alchemy as well. Even with her traumatic past of having her father raping her as a child, her mother locking her up in a dish cupboard for most of her childhood, her brother being killed by state alchemist, her sister dieing of oh!sohorrible disease, and her dog eating itself alive, Melody still kept strong and used her past to motivate her forward to a brighter, better future.

As she walked, she saw Edward Elric and his brother, Alphonse. She hurried her steps as she thought about Ed and Al. They were such _close and dear _friends of hers. She cared for them so. She called out Ed's name as she approached them, and smiled and waved in her perfect manor. Ed turned around to see the girl approach him. He suddenly had this wave of emotion come over him. What was this feeling? This feeling of giddiness and attachment to this girl?

"Hi Ed," Melody giggled. "Out for a walk are we?"

Ed, in a way he would never do, blushed. He felt his hand getting sweaty in its white glove. Ed finally stuttered, "We were just . . . just . . ."

"We were going to pick up our friend Winry from the train station," Al informed in his childlike voice.

Yet before another word could be said, the ground beneath their feet gave way and collapsed into the underground sewer system below. Once the dust had cleared, Melody found she was (of course) perfectly unharmed . . . or dirty for the fact of the matter. Yet Ed was covered under fallen debris and Al, though a little banged up, was of course ok.

"What the hell was that about!" Ed shouted as he climbed his way out of the debris, not really thinking that he could have just transmuted it. Two laughing voices were heard coming down the tunnel. "Who's there?" Ed demanded. Once again nothing but laughter was heard and two shadowy figures were spotted moving towards them. As the dust cleared the figures were finally visible. The one to the right looked like somebody in their younger teens. It had a very feminine feel to the body, but the short spiky hair and goofy grin looked more boyish. It wore a tight black sleeveless shirt and baggy pants. Lastly, printed right on its chin was the ouroboros tattoo.

The other was about the same age and definitely a female that was well-endowed. She basically wore two strips of cloth and floss as a top and some thick rope as a bottom. Though covered by some of the cloth, there was an ouroboros tattoo on her left nipple. Ed gasped, "They're homunculus! Who the hell are you? Do you have any connection to Lust?"

"Plzbitch. do u think tha we wuld have n e connection to that slut?" the first one said. Ed blinked, for he was not quite sure what he was hearing. It _was_ English . . . but it just seemed . . . off. The first one continued, "Ur Edward Elric! zOMG!111! I'm here to make u mine! LOLz!" Ed took a step back . . . he was shocked. What did she mean by making him hers?

Enraged, Ed shouted, "What do you mean by that? I am not yours!" The homunculus seemed taken back.

"But Ed-kun! I lurve u! I WANT 2 MARRY U! U HAVE 2 HAVE MAI BABIEZ!"

"Like hell I won't!" Ed shouted, running towards the homunculus and transmutating his arm into the knife edge. Ed leaped into the air, aiming his knife arm at the unknown gendered homunculus. It quickly side stepped, and did a spin kick. Ed took the hit full on in his torso and he was thrown back.

"Niisan!" Al shouted.

"I'll take care of them!" Melody said as she started to use her perfect alchemy skills. The first homunculus slammed its hand against the wall, and using alchemy, transmuted small chibi little girls.

"What the fuck!" Ed shouted. "How in hell did you get LITTLE GIRLS out of freaking concrete! ROCK DOES NOT EQUAL HUMAN! And wait . . . how in the hell did you just use alchemy? Homunculus can't use alchemy!"

"okz. In my world, they can!" the she-him-thing shouted. Melody was using her alchemy to change the rock walls around her into flying missiles, and at the same magically aiming them at the chibi girls. Al on the other hand, was just using his brute strength to smash them, which usually one hit turned them into rock dust. Ed proceeded to slice the little girls up.

Melody stopped Ed for a moment, "Why isn't the other one helping?" Ed shrugged, but the first homunculus heard this and said, "Maybe because her sin is laziness."

"Wait," Al said, "wouldn't that fit under the sin of sloth?"

"OH U SHUT UP! U THINK U NO EVERYTHING! OK I"VE SEEN ALL 26 EPISODES OF FMA ON CARTOON NETWORK! I HAVE ALL THE FMA T-SHIRTS FROM HOT TOPIC! OK I HAVE THE FIRST MANGA _AND _THE VIDEO GAME! Don't act like u no everything, cuz ya don't." The first homunculus was enraged. Suddenly(!) part of the wall exploded, and Colonel Roy Mustang came through.

"Colonel!" Melody exclaimed.

"MUSTANG!" Ed shouted. "What plot hole did you just crawl through?" Roy smiled and walked over to Ed. "I was informed," Roy said, "of some underground activity. I came to check it out myself and it seems I ran into you." Roy placed a hand on Ed's shoulder.

"OMG!" the second homunculus shouted. "OMGOMGOMGOMG! THIS SO MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX NOW! OMG he SO TOTALLY likes you! OMG!"

"What!" the first said. "He can't have sex with Ed! ED-KUN IS MINE! MINE! MINE AND NO ONE ELSES!"

"Colonel," Melody said walking up, "I'm so glad you're here." Roy looked over at her. Suddenly he was swept up in an unknown emotion. What was this feeling? His heart was racing, and his cheeks were flushed. What was happening to him?

"Enough of this!" Ed yelled. "We have to fight these homunculus, or did everyone forget? Plus, I think one of them might rape me." Everyone nodded in agreement and Ed started his attack towards the first one. Yet somehow the homunculus once again used alchemy to create a giant stone hand that slammed right into Ed. He went flying back, hit the ground hard, and rolled several feet.

"Hahahaha!" The first one laughed. "U totally got pwned!"

"Niisan!" Al shouted and ran over to his side. He gently lifted up his head and asked if Ed was alright.

"OMG!" The second scantliy clad homunculus shouted. "OMG! INCEST! OMG! THEY"RE SO TOTALLY IN LOVE! THEY"RE SO TOTALLY GAY LOVERS! OMGZWTFBBQORGASM!"

Hiding further down the tunnel, which no one had noticed, was Winry. Since Ed and Al hadn't picked her up from the train station, she had come looking for them. She then spotted the giant hole in the sidewalk and automatically knew it had to do something with Ed. She had been watching from the shadows, but seeing Ed hurt she ignored all the danger around her and ran to his side.

"Ed! Ed! Are you alright!" She knelt by him and held his hand.

"YOU BITCH!" The second one said. "HOW DARE YOU!" Winry was confused. She didn't understand what was going on. "HOW DARE YOU GET IN THE WAY OF THE HOT MAN BUTT SEX! YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!" Winry was shocked.

"Do you really think that their brotherly love is _real_ love?" Winry asked.

"Well duh. Of course I do. How can YOU NOT SEE IT? They so totally want to sex it up later! And you slut just had to come in here and ruin everything."

"How can they have sex?" Winry asked furiously. "Unless Al has a metal penis and a butt hole under that loin cloth, nothing is really going to happen, now is it?"

"Plzbitch," the homunculus replied. "Al has to turn BACK into his human form . . . and then they'll get it on." Melody saw that the homunculus had their defenses down. She approached Al to tell him it was time to fight. Al looked at Melody. He suddenly felt all warm inside, like a bunch of fireworks were going off inside of him. He was suddenly very attracted to Melody in ways he couldn't understand.

"ENOUGH OF THIS CHATTER!" Melody shouted. "We're not going to let you get away!" Melody started using her alchemy to attack, yet somehow like Ed, she was thrown back.

"Melody!" Al shouted.

"Melody!" Roy shouted.

"Melody!" Ed shouted from his coma like state. All three of them ran over to her, all asking at the same time if she was ok, yet Melody did not respond. "Melody! You can't die! I love you!" Roy confessed.

"WHAT?" Ed shouted. "_You _love her? Are you trying to steal my woman? I _love_ Melody!" Roy smirked and said, "Hmph. Like you could love her. You're not even tall enough to love."

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" Ed shouted as he jumped on top of Roy. "I CAN LOVE HER JUST AS WELL AS YOU CAN!"

"OMGZORAGASM!" the second homunculus screamed. "CAN"T YOU SEE! Their hate for each other! It's so passionate! I can just feel their love for each other burning deep down inside of them! I just know they're going to get married!"

"what! How can my Edo-kun be fighting over a whore like that? ED IS MINE! God that bitch will not steal my man!" the first replied. Meanwhile Winry sat in shock. How could Ed love Melody? Was it that Melody could do alchemy? Was it that Melody was more feminine than her? Winry was just frustrated and confused. She stood up and walked over to Melody, past the two fighting alchemists. She looked down at the unconscious girl.

"Al, what are your feelings toward Melody?" Winry asked.

"Well . . . I . . . love her as well," Al muttered. Winry was completely taken back. How could all three of them fall in love with her? WHY WAS SHE SO SPECIAL? Winry couldn't help but get mad. She turned towards Melody like a female cheetah ready to fight for her mate. She lunged on top of her.

"UGH!" the second homunculus gasped. "Girl x girl action! OMGz THAT IS SO UNCOOL! That just degrades women!"

As Winry started lashing out at the motionless Melody, she started to feel something deep inside of her. Why did she hate Melody again? She stopped hitting her and realized that she too loved Melody. Al lifted Winry off of Melody, yet Winry still had a hold of Melody's dress. A loud ripping noise was heard and part of Melody's was ripped off. And right there on her bellybutton was an ouroboros tattoo.

"She's a . . . homunculus!" Al stated. Both Roy and Ed stopped fighting and looked over. And yes indeed she was a homunculus. The other homunculus laughed.

"You knew about this?" Ed demanded. "How could my Melody be a . . . homunculus!"

"Ohplz," the first homunculus said, "Don't fall for her slut tricks. Plus ur mine Ed!" Melody stood up and she walked to where the other two homunculus were standing. She ignored the fact her dress was ripped and she was basically standing in a ripped shirt and her panties.

"That's right! I'm a homunculus!" Melody stated. "I've been playing you all along! I've been working with these two all along! This one," she pointed to the first one, "is the sin of n00b, and the other one is the sin of shonen-ai fangirls. I am the sin of Mary Sues."

"How can we beat them?" Ed muttered to himself. "I don't know if I can stand up to these kinds of powers. They are powerful indeed." Ed glanced over at Winry and suddenly he knew how to defeat at least one of the homunculus. "Winry!" he shouted as he walked over to her. He grabbed her hand and drew her close to him. He put an arm around her back and a hand on the back of her head, and they kissed.

"OMGZ! THAT SLUT!" the sin of shonen-ai fangirls shouted. "SHE"S GETTING INBETWEEN BY HOT MAN LOVE! OMGz! That whore! That bitch! God I hate her! She's such an annoying shit! God!" Ed and Winry were still kissing . . . very passionately, I might add. "STOP IT! STOP IT! HE"S SUPPOSE TO BE KISSING HIS BROTHER! THERE"S SUPPOSE TO BE INCEST HERE!" Yet still they kissed. "FUCK! STOP IT! ROY IS SUPPOSE TO BE BANGING HIM UP! STOP! I MUST HAVE BOY X BOY ACTION! AHHHHHHH!" The sin of shonen-ai fangirls suddenly exploded from the over load of heterosexualness.

"Well that got one of them," Roy said. "Now we just need to get the other two."

"omgz," the sin of n00b said. "How can she be with Ed. Ed is mine! MINE AND MINE ALONE!"

"Actually he's mine," Winry said clinging on to him.

"No! He's mine!" Al said grabbing an arm.

"No! Ed is mine! He's been mine since he entered the military!" Roy said putting his hand on his shoulder.

"what! Omfgodz no. Plzbtiches. ED IS MINE! I LOVE HIM! I HAVE HIS KEYCHAINS AND HIS ACTIONS FIGURES I GOT FROM WALDENBOOKS! OK! BASTARDS! I GOT THE DVDz! DVDz!" Yet still the three continued to say Ed was theirs, all clinging to his limbs and pulling on him. "stop it! STOP IT! It burnz mai i! my i's can't see! Omfg noez!111!1one! WTFBBQ!"

"He can't be yours!" Roy shouted. "HE"S NOTHING BUT LINES ON PAPER!"

"NNNNOOOO! DON"T SAY SUCH THINGS! I SEX HIM UP! I DON"T CARE I GET PAPER CUTS!" the sin shouted.

"He can't belong to you!" Winry shouted. "He belongs to Hiromu Arakawa! HE"LL NEVER BELONG TO YOU!"

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH! U SAY SUCH MEAN THINGS! ED IS MINE! ED IS GOING TO MARRY ME!"

"You're nothing more than a young immature fan who obsesses over fictional characters!" Roy yelled. "Who knows nothing about . . . GRAMMAR!"

"OMGZ NOEZ!111!one!111! NOT . . . NOT GRAMMAR! AHHHH!" Slowly the sin of n00b melted away. That just left Melody, the perfect alchemist. Yet how could they beat her? She was perfect, plus the fact that everyone was in love with her. This made things difficult.

"So," Melody teased, "how are you going to finish me off? Make out again? Oh I don't mind. I'll be slightly jealous, but I'll live. Oh, or shouts things at me? Tee hee. Silly, that's not going to work. How are you going to defeat me, the PERFECT Alchemist?"

"Actually I find you quite average," Winry said. Melody twitched.

"Excuse me?" Melody said with a slight hint of annoyance.

"Yeah. You're not EVEN average," Roy said.

"You're nothing more than a young girl who puts herself in a fictional world," Ed joined in. "Then has everybody fall in love with her and have the characters act and do stuff they would never do. I mean come on? Did you really think I would actually fall in love with you in real life? Plus, you're just too perfect. You're story idea isn't even interesting as EVERYTHING revolves around you. That's so boring . . . yet apparently some people enjoy it."

"I am NOT like that! I am perfect! I am SPECIAL! I am loved! I can have any character I want love me! I can break any rule, any law, and get away with it! I can have corny names and powers and mix in stuff from other fandoms! I can make the world revolve around me!" Melody shouted.

"Do you really think that?" Winry asked. "That's just sad . . . on many, many levels."

"It's not sad! It's my story! I can make it happen any way I want it to! I COMMAND ALL OF YOU TO LOVE!" Melody said pointing at them. Her Mary Sue powers sadly took affect. Ed, Al, Roy, and Winry could all feel their love building up for Melody. They wanted to be with her. They all wanted to hold her. A gun shout was heard, and a bullet wound appeared in Melody's head. Naturally, since Mary Sues defy the laws of gravity (and, after all, this is anime) she slowly fell down. She lay there not moving.

"Is she dead?" Al asked.

"She should be," Hawkeye said from behind them. They all turned around to see Hawkeye returning her gun to its holster.

"You did this, Hawkeye?" Ed asked.

"Of course I did. I don't stand for any of that non-canon crap," Hawkeye said.

**End note: **I would like to add that I have NOTHING (may I repeat myself) NOTHING against shonen-ai, shojo-ai, gay rights, or anything related to the sort. This story is meant as a joke. It was nothing more than to poke fun at different aspects of the fandom. I'm sorry if you were offended. I do not want any flame wars. I believe everyone can be a fan to a series in their own way. If you can't take it as joke or find it funny . . . then that's ok. And also I don't have anything against n00bs and Mary Sues . . . oh wait . . . yes I do. Nevermind.

ALL COMMENTS GO TO TRINASHEEPCHAN, NOT ME!

I don't plaigarize...


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